Jokes

Stand proud you noble swingers of clubs and losers of balls....

A recent study found the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year.
Another  study found golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year..

That means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.
Kind of makes you proud.

Almost feel like a hybrid.

In My Hand I Hold A Ball,

White And Dimpled, Rather Small.
Oh, How Bland It Does Appear,
This Harmless Looking Little Sphere..

By It's Size I Could Not Guess,
The Awesome Strength It Does Possess.
But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell,
I've Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell.

 

My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same,
Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game.
It Rules My Mind For Hours On End,
A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend.

It Has Made Me Yell, Curse And Cry,
I Hate Myself And Want To Die.
It Promises A Thing Called Par,
If I Can Hit It Straight And Far.

To Master Such A Tiny Ball,
Should Not Be Very Hard At All.
But My Desires The Ball Refuses,
And Does Exactly As It Chooses.

 

It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles And Dies,
And Even Disappears Before My Eyes.
Often It Will Have A Whim,
To Hit A Tree Or Take A Swim.

10 Best Answers from Caddy to Golfer

#10 Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?
# 9 Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
# 8 Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."
#7 Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."
# 6 Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so, sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."   
# 5 Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much  of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."
# 4 Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."
# 3 Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."
# 2 Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."
And the #1 best caddy comment:
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex.....

#10... A below par performance is considered damn good.
#9... You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.
#8... It's much easier to find the sweet spot.
#7... Foursomes are encouraged..
#6... You can still make money doing it as a senior.
#5... Three times a day is possible.
#4... Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.
#3... If you live in California , you can do it almost every day.
#2... You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.  

And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex.....  

#1... When your equipment gets old you can replace it!

Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer.

  • Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks
  • Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul balls.
  • If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip: your life is in trouble.
  • Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.
  • The term 'mulligan' is really a contraction of the Phrase 'maul it again.'
  • A 'gimme' can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers ..neither of whom can putt very well.
  • An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play; it is always possible to get worse.
  • Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.
  • If your best shots are the practice swing and the 'gimme putt', you might wish to reconsider this game.
  • Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.
  • Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously tt won't work, and both are expensive.
  • The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.

Embarassing Medical Exams

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, Lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her under- wear.  Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs ---and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a Wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch, the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!  Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered.."Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-Corvallis, OR

Half Hour Late

A couple of weeks ago, I played with new member who shot an even par 72. We had fun during the round, so I asked him if he wanted to play next week.
 
He said: "Sure, but I might be a half hour late." 
 
The following week he shows up right on on time, and sets up on the first tee this time playing left- handed. Again he shoots a 72.I asked him if he wanted to play again next week. 
 
He replied: "Sure but I might be a half hour late."
 
I then asked him :"How come some times you play right- handed and other times, left-handed."
 
He said :"When I wake up in the morning and my wife is sleeping on her left side, I play left- handed and if she is on her right side, then I play right- handed."
 
I then ask ;"So,what if she is laying flat on her back?"
 
"That's when I'll be a half hour late!" he replied

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